God i havent wrote on here for what seems like ages. Ive had a lot on my mind, but im forgetting all that for a short while and im just going to act normal again. It makes life easier for both my and my family. It also means they dont start suspecting things.

So ive gone back to sixth form and you know what its not actually been too bad. Maybe because ive realised that school and A levels just dont matter anymore? Ive been to every lesson since going back after half term and im not even finding it that difficult at the minute i just go with the flow. I actually cannot believe that i am so shocked that ive been to school everyday, this still isnt me. i loved school, i think? I cant even remember what it felt like to enjoy things. Saying that i dont remember much these days.

Anyway im not gonna do anything drastic yet; not this close to christmas. Its such a special time for all of my family and i cant ruin that feeling for them for the rest of their lives by it being the anniversary of my suicide can i. So until i do it im going to keep going to school and stuff. i want to keep my brain active and not fall too deep into the thoughts of death because when that happens is when you start thinking irrationally. I want people to know that i thought it all through carefully and it wasnt just some sort of impulsive decision. Thats why i need to keep my brain going and keep my sanity.

My therapist thinks i should write a book of my experience but im not too sure about it. I always wanted to write a book when i was liitle but never found the right thing to do it on. she says it could help me as much as other people. But how can i write about feeling suicidal when it would almost seem as if i as promoting the idea, i dont want to influence anyone elses decision, its a personal thing thats gotta be thought through by urself. But then again yes there are loads of books on depression and the like but all of them written by adults, maybe it would be helpful for children/teenagers to read about someone going through the same as them and maybe even show adults what its like for us. I think if i did do it the therapist would want to use it in their centre thing so it would be used and read by others if it was good enough. But im not too sure about it yet.

Anyway im sure i have some chemistry homework to force myself to do so ill stop typing about nonsense now. bye for now...