icannotseethepoint Blog

Well dont seem to blog much these day, maybe because i have nothing worth while to say.Or maybe because i just cant be bothered. yeh i think its both.

Anyway ive been trying to think all day of something good that i could blog about, something that would actually make people think but i had no luck. All my brain told me was what is the point? fair point i must admit. But still id like to do an interesting post instead of all these about suicide that probly just make people feel shit reading. Plus i dont feel that theres much more to say on that topic is there?

So yeh if anyone has any ideas about good things i could blog about that would be interesting, let me know and ill see what i can do
xx

yet another gig lined up this saturday. Arctic monkeys. Its their first time playin sheffield arena. So it should be a good gig with them bein from sheffield and stuff.

Wow ive just realised that ii never use capital letters when im typing on here... i am actually disgusted with myself for not taking notice of such basic grammar haha oh well.

Hmmm maybe i should get up off my arse and do something :/ truth is i really cant be bothered. Ahh ill jus stay in bed

haha people at sixth form have started realising that maybe im a bit weird lol. they keep asking me where i go on thursday afternoon when i have my therapy stuff. i reply by saying i have this thing haha. yeh they know somethings not quite right.

well this was a very short and unusual blog for me. ooo and ive not even mentioned suicide once :O ... well not until just then anyway.

right thats enough thinking for one day i think
xx

God i havent wrote on here for what seems like ages. Ive had a lot on my mind, but im forgetting all that for a short while and im just going to act normal again. It makes life easier for both my and my family. It also means they dont start suspecting things.

So ive gone back to sixth form and you know what its not actually been too bad. Maybe because ive realised that school and A levels just dont matter anymore? Ive been to every lesson since going back after half term and im not even finding it that difficult at the minute i just go with the flow. I actually cannot believe that i am so shocked that ive been to school everyday, this still isnt me. i loved school, i think? I cant even remember what it felt like to enjoy things. Saying that i dont remember much these days.

Anyway im not gonna do anything drastic yet; not this close to christmas. Its such a special time for all of my family and i cant ruin that feeling for them for the rest of their lives by it being the anniversary of my suicide can i. So until i do it im going to keep going to school and stuff. i want to keep my brain active and not fall too deep into the thoughts of death because when that happens is when you start thinking irrationally. I want people to know that i thought it all through carefully and it wasnt just some sort of impulsive decision. Thats why i need to keep my brain going and keep my sanity.

My therapist thinks i should write a book of my experience but im not too sure about it. I always wanted to write a book when i was liitle but never found the right thing to do it on. she says it could help me as much as other people. But how can i write about feeling suicidal when it would almost seem as if i as promoting the idea, i dont want to influence anyone elses decision, its a personal thing thats gotta be thought through by urself. But then again yes there are loads of books on depression and the like but all of them written by adults, maybe it would be helpful for children/teenagers to read about someone going through the same as them and maybe even show adults what its like for us. I think if i did do it the therapist would want to use it in their centre thing so it would be used and read by others if it was good enough. But im not too sure about it yet.

Anyway im sure i have some chemistry homework to force myself to do so ill stop typing about nonsense now. bye for now...

Well ive finally met my match : my therapist!! I cant lie to her like i do everyone else when i making out everything is fine, she sees straight through me and i think shes worked out that when im a bit more upbeat it usually means im planning things. So yesterday i sit there with her trying not to say much so i didnt give anything away but its like she knows what im thinking all of time, whatever i do to avoid it she seems to always get the truth out of me about how im feeling. Not good!! This is gonna be harder than i thought. if i dont go she'll phone my parents who will watch every move i make if they think things are going downhill again but if i do go and dont convince her things are good ill end up in the psychiatric ward (i know this is the next step if i dont do something soon).Now i definately dont want that one little bit. So yeh i have lots more thinking to do about how i can appear "happy" haha. Maybe just get pissed or something before my appointment? lol

She also said its my decision what i do with my life and whether i want help or not. To be honest i think its pretty obvious i dont want help, i just need people to leave me to do whats necessary, whatever that may be. So if its my decision why do people feel the need to try to influence it and "help" me? i get it that people care etc but whats so precious about life that means we have to hang on? My hamster went to the vets today and i knew that if she was ill they would put her to sleep just because it would be the easiest and cheapest thing to do. They would do this without consulting the hamster (dont worry im not mad, i dont think hamsters can talk or anythin im just making a point) so the hamster would die regardless of whether it wanted to or not. So why is it that even though ive expressed my wishes to die and tried to end it everyone does all they can to stop me? Whats so different about human life that makes death such a hard thing to face? What scares people soo much about it? Personally the thought of living is much worse than that of dying. I admit it is different for people who arent thinking rationally when they make the decision to end it, because in a stable mind they may think otherwise but nothing about my decisions are irrational. My therapist even believes that the way i think about suicide as my option is rational because my points for it are valid and completely outweight those against it. So its basically because i think about things too much, but is that such a bad thing?

Yeh maybe i am only thinking this way because of the depression but its as though ive finally seen life for what it really is. Im no longer stuck in that bubble where everything perfect and fine. Because it really isnt. I never thought about life as i have recently and quite frankly i realise now that its just completely pointless. Maybe im wrong afterall none of us know what happens after death but im not religious at all so im willing to take the risk to be honest.

I know that by doing this blog and writing about these things makes it look like i do want help and maybe its some cry for help/attention. But it really isnt. I just have to outload all of the stuff in my head so i dont feel like im going mad. Todays blog has turned out to be much longer than anticipated, maybe that explains the headache ive had all day :/ Ill leave it there cos i cant be arsed to type anymore lol.

Well what can i say? It was amazing!! I had actually forgotten how much i love and i mean LOVE Green Day. The whole performance just blew me away i couldnt believe it. So apart from my envy of the people that got to get up onto the stage with billie joe to sing etc and my aching limbs it was an absolutely brilliant night. I always said i would see Green Day before i die and im very pleased that i have done it

So im off to see Green Day later. A couple of years ago it was my ultimate dream to see the amazing band play live but now im finally gettin the chance i am not one bit excited about it.
I suppose itll be ok when im there but i just cant look forward to it to be honest. Although i thought the same a few months ago when i went to see the killers but that turned out to be a pretty good night.
Oh well im going with my mum anyway so at least that means free alcohol!! And lets face it any night is made better with a bit of booze. Lets jus hope i can enjoy myself for once and that all these thoughts go away for at least the 3 hours that Green Day will be on stage.

it appears i am now addicted to blogging haha. oh well. so i suppose this wont be very original. jus another ramble about how crap everything is really lol.

You know the hardest thing is not being able to manage goin to school. i went today but only lasted one lesson until i found myself sitting there thinking about how i wont need school if i decide to die. So after 1 hour i found myself heading into town. This isnt normal for me. The old me loved school, my life was school!! I was the classic self proclaimed geek; always reading, enjoying learning, getting excited over science. i mean i have about 4 posters of the periodic table and some on antimatter and ITER on my wall. Yeh i really am that geeky lol. or should i say was :/ I really dont care about any of it anymore. So what do i do? try to carry on, hoping that one day ill get it all back or just give up. That way i wont need to be interested in school. You see i cant bring myself to think about atoms, proteins, calculus, etc. The only thoughts goin on in my head at the moment are those about suicide and hurtin myself. I dont even know why to be honest. I just cant stop thinking about it. Im not living anymore im just existing. How am i supposed to enjoy life when all day im obsessed with the thought of cutting myself. I cant stop, ive tried.

Even if i did decide to get myself sorted out. Would i be able to? Ive tried everything. 3 GPS, 2 psychiatrists, antidepressants twice, and i go to see a therapist every week. I wouldnt mind if i had a reason to feel like this but i really havent.

Im not certain yet but i think i know how its going to end. I just cant see any other way. God my head hurts from all of this thinking haha.

Whats everyones views on suicide? Can it be the right thing to do even though you know it will destroy family/friends. I want to but i dont want to hurt anyone in doing so. But its the only way out. So yeh if you have any genuine serious views, id be interested to know...

i dont actually know why im doing this to be honest, i suppose its just a way of letting out all the stuff going round in my head without anyone i know hearing or reading it. Chances are that no-one is going to read this anyway but that doesnt matter to me. So where do i start.... ?

Well im having quite a few problems trying to see what life has to offer at the minute. Dont get me wrong i have everything going for me, everyone says so; school grades, family, friends. So why am i so depressed? ive been like this for nearly 1 year now and its just getting worse and worse as time goes on. I dont understand why its happening, nothing has happened in my life to trigger ot off or anything like that, its just hit me. It wasnt too bad at first, i could cope with it. i was still able to get straight As in school and no-one realised what was going off. But then i started to self harm until it got addictive, that was when my self destructive mode first set in i think.

Anyway onto what this blog is all about. Life: whats the point?? We go about our day to day business but never actually think about why its necessary to do all of that. i mean why do we go to school, uni, get well paid jobs. No matter what our life is like, it will end in the same way; death. Thats another thing i cant understand. Why is it that life is so important that we have to try to hold onto it? Im not religious in any way so i dont have views of afterlife pr anything. So how come that when i tried to end my life last month was it such a big deal to everyone. i mean i understand that people love and care about me but what the difference in dying now and dying in 70 or 80 years time? Is it because we as a human race have become almost afraid of the concept of death and dying?

I suppose it is rather ironic that my all time goal and ambition in life was to save peoples lifes by being a doctor. I do still hold a small part of that dream in the back of my head somewhere but at the moment im split between trying to sort myself out and get back on track or to jus simply give up and end it all. i know what would be the best and easiest thing for me but that option would, to say the least, devastate my family and friends, both of which i care for very much. but at least then they could finally stop worrying about me maybe eventually get on with their lives. i know it wouldnt be easy for them but im sure eventually they would understand why i did it.

i dont expect anyone to actually read this, i jus needed somewhere to write it all down. But if for any reasin anyone does read it, id be interested to hear your views on what you think life is all about. i may write again soon. x